SPIRITUALLY INTELLIGENT SEX
By Cyntha Gonzalez
“The energy of sex is divine energy…that is why this energy creates new life. It is the greatest most mysterious force of all. But one has not to stop at it. Sex has to be transmuted into superconsciousness” Osho
What happens when we have sex and we are underdeveloped emotionally and/or spiritually? Usually, the sex will have a shelf life. It either shuts down, or it goes into addictive excess or we start searching for another supposed better partner. This is because through sex, we have a fleeting experience of samadhi, a peek into superconsciousness. But it is only a glimpse and so we keep on searching, since we long to feel whole.
Firstly, how do we know if we are with someone who is spiritually or emotionally thirsty? Author, Kelly Marceau articulates the identifiable characteristics of emotionally underdeveloped men below:
3 Signs A Man Is Still Potty Training Emotionally
1. He’s never explored his emotional landscape or done inner personal work, gone through extensive therapy or personal and emotional coaching.
2. He doesn’t own his shit. He expects others to deal with his emotional issues, triggers, unresolved childhood stuff or dysfunctional family imprinting.
3. He’s insecure and projects his fear and emotional wounds onto you, but tries to spin it like you’re the one with issues.
And yes, we as women have issues when we attract such a man. We always attract our reciprocal; it’s the law of energy. The question to ask is what is unhealed in us as women to attract such toddler-men emotionally?
We as women are plagued by our own gender epidemic: co-dependency. This is defined by ‘giving up me to be loved by you.’ It includes people pleasing, rescuing, manipulating, controlling, lying, avoiding, blaming and using emotional blackmail, due to equally deep insecurities and emotional wounds.
When we go to bed, we often bring our unfinished emotional business with us. A king size bed is not big enough for my lover and me, my parents, his parents, our past lovers, our societies and religions. As long as those influences and any resulting pain and fallout are unexamined or not processed or offered up for eventual forgiveness, we will be riddled with projections and patterns that will sabotage the very connection and intimacy we long for.
However, once this work of deep healing begins, it infuses our relating with awareness and joy as we break through the darkness of unconsciousness.
As the emotional healing work progresses, you will start to:
• SEE – I acknowledge partner’s greatest passions and her greatest pain and shame as a little girl. I see who my lover was as a little boy. Were there any overbearing taboos either of us was subjected to when we or anyone else cried or showed vulnerability? Was sex shamed or disrespected?
• FEEL – I feel repressed pain and insecurities as well as dormant joy. Sometimes I need a trained therapist or healer to do this safely and thoroughly.
• FORGIVE – I feel compassion for my unconscious acting out, my projections, my partner’s projections and for selling myself short. I forgive myself and I forgive my lover.
• SELF-REGARD – I begin to see myself as truly worthy of being with someone who has done his inevitable work. I see myself as loveable for my blind spots and compassionately encourage true accountability. I set limits when I am not being treated as I should be.
• RELATE – I tell the truth. I sustain his truth. I say what I really feel. When he triggers me, I learn to ride that daunting wave. Instead of sulking, shutting down or attacking, I feel. I put down my computer and I make time to connect. I express my gratitude through the sweetest devotion.
When we engage in spiritually intelligent sex, the following will arise:
1. We cultivate a primary relationship to Spirit via spiritual practices. These can be anything that takes us into our center, including meditation or it could be exercise, walking the dog or cooking. This relationship comes before any other relationship. If not, I will look to my partner to make me whole, who simply cannot.
2. From my center, I observe. I witness. I witness the ‘I’ that is witnessing. I respond rather than react. The ego has a diminishing hold on me.
3. As I more regularly return to my center, I learn the art of surrender and trust to something higher and bigger that holds me and guides me. I start to turn it over, rather than thinking I am in control. I start relying on my spiritual connection, not the current man/woman or a future man/woman in my life.
4. If I were whole, why would I need a man? When my spiritual connection is so solid and consistent, I don’t need a partner. But I do desire one. A whole me wants to be with whole him/her. Emotionally unintelligent girls need. Whole women desire.
5. When I’m spiritually balanced, I won’t look to my partner to mother or father me. I won’t treat him or her as a punching bag for my past hurts and betrayals.
The key question is will my relationship to Spirit be solid, nurtured and a permanent feature in my life? Will I still and silence myself regularly to listen and to talk to Spirit and not even fool myself that a guy or a woman could even take over that role? Will I trust and follow Spiritual Guidance when it comes? Will I look to rely on this active connection more than anything else?
So once we can proudly and humbly assess that yes, we are more whole emotionally and spiritually, the lovemaking becomes very connected and exciting. We won’t be perfect; we will still have our wobbly moments. But we will both feel at home – in each of us. The neediness will be replaced by a sharing, an erotic longing to simply love. My love will flow. His love will flow right back because he can sustain it now and no longer shun or become addicted to it. He will take me. I will trust myself to be taken. A whole me revels in loving a whole you.
For more information go to www.cynthagonzalez.com
