Bringing Ritual into the Bedroom
By Cyntha Gonzalez
When I was a university student, I was invited to my first Japanese tea ceremony by an American called Rob who was a devoted Zen Buddhist practitioner. He greeted us in his black cotton kimono, bowed to us with a slight smile knowing how unusual he appeared doing this and skillfully proceeded to take three other friends and I into this 12-centuries-old ritual that slowed down busy me and took us into a stillness and mindful appreciation of preparing, presenting and drinking simple tea. Its impact would later reach into many other aspects of my life, including my sexuality.
We had arrived a little early at Rob’s home, took off our shoes at the door and were asked to place our personal belongings in an adjoining side room. Rob had asked us to dress nicely and comfortably, given that this was a special ritual and we would be sitting on the floor.
We were asked to ritually purify ourselves by washing our hands and rinsing our mouths with water and then proceed to his living room where he had placed a bamboo tatami mat at the center and two Japanese flower arrangements on tables on each side of the mat. We four friends sat in a row on cushions facing forward and viewed his tools in the center to be used in the tea ceremony.
Rob entered, ritually cleansed each tool – including a ceramic blue tea bowl, whisk, and tea scoop—in our presence in a precise order, and placed them in an exact arrangement. When the preparation of the utensils was complete, Rob prepared methodically the green tea in the small blue bowl.
Rob then faced and bowed to James on my left, and presented him the bowl. James, an experienced tea ceremony guest, bowed to me and then raised the bowl in a gesture of respect to our host, Rob. He rotated the bowl to avoid drinking from its front, took a sip, and complimented Rob on the tea. After taking a few sips, James wiped clean the rim of the bowl with a linen towel and passed it to me, next in line. The procedure was repeated until all guests had taken tea from the same bowl. The bowl was returned to Rob, who then ritualistically cleansed the utensils and promised to be right back as he took them out of the makeshift tearoom. The tea ceremony was over. He returned and we chatted casually, marveling how calm and centered we felt from such a simple act.
Just as there are classes on how to conduct a tea ceremony in Japan and elsewhere, there are increasing workshops all over the world in Tantra or Sacred Sexuality. The tantric path encourages bringing this same mindful presence and ritual to sex.
How do we bring more ritual to sex?
Mindfulness hones the mind, calms the being and turns the volume up on the subtle. The slightest movements and sensations are more fully perceived. Appreciation levels go up. The essence of anything is witnessed. We see the Divine in everything. We move from separation to deep connection. We feel like we are coming home.
Whenever we prepare our environment, purify our bodies and dress up in our finest clothing, we step up and shine our best. Ultimately it is the Higher Self that expresses itself beyond our ego self. We long to be in contact with this wise part of ourselves and experience the sensation of being connected to our True Self. We long to communicate with others from this centered, knowing place. We long for that heavenly unity and peace of mind, versus the hell of disconnection, fear and aimless running.
Here is a wonderful way to invite sex into High Ritual:
o An appointment for this special sexual ritual
o De-cluttering the bedroom so it is a clean space
o Lighting candles and burning essential oils
o Music playlists are organized and ready to be played
o Purification – each bathes with lovely essential oils and natural soaps
o Clothing – each wears a special garment, like lingerie, a long flowing sarong or a silky bathrobe – whatever feels right for each of you.
o Meeting in the bedroom
o Bowing to each other or a silent hug or a smile to each other
A Harmonization Exercise:
o It is decided that one will receive first. Partner A, the Receiver, lies down.
o Gentle, rhythmic music is put on, like Cello Blue by David Darling or Mother Tongue by Jairamji.
o The Receiver begins breathing in a relaxed, natural manner.
o Partner B or the Giver, simply observes the Receiver’s breathing and begins synchronizing his or her own breath to it. This non-touching synchronization continues for a minimum of a few minutes.
o After the Giver feels there is a good flow, the Giver asks and places his or her hand on the Receiver’s abdomen and synchronizes his or her breath with the breath and up down movement of the Receiver’s abdomen. This continues for at least 2-3 minutes.
o The Giver indicates it is time for the Receiver to silently repeat to oneself, “It is safe to receive.” The Giver repeats silently, “It is safe to give.” This continues for 2 minutes.
o The Giver then acknowledges that the time is coming to an end.
o When it feels right, the Giver gently and transitionally removes his or her hand from the Receiver’s abdomen and both feel and observe any reactions to this physical separation.
o After a few moments, each discusses how this was.
o Roles are reversed and the above steps are repeated.
The couple may feel this is enough and want to stop here or explore greater sexual intimacy.
They may want to partake in the following exercise and slowly raise the energy further:
o The partners lie down facing each other and with eyes closed begin breathing together for a few minutes.
o The partners then open their eyes, look into each other’s left eye and breathe together.
o The partners begin breathing into their pelvic area and exhaling the energy up the spinal cord.
o Once this is established, the partners may synchronize this movement together.
o They may discuss how this was or silently move into more active sexual relating.
Spontaneity, feeling what the other most needs and where each other is moment to moment all lend itself to a more intimate experience. Having this initial ritualized structure gives the couple guidance and a safe container to surrender to any subtle sensations, emotions, insights and intuitions they will experience. The harmonization heightens the simple and subtle, bringing the couple into a sweet intimacy that is restorative and strengthening. Higher Self meets Higher Self in this heaven on earth.
For more on bringing consciousness into your relationships, go to www.cynthagonzalez.com
