Fantasy – The Tantric Approach by Cyntha Gonzalez
One may admit to the fantasy of having sex in the backseat of a car while parked in a busy shopping centre. One’s lover may admit to only coming to the fantasy of having a threesome. When we invite a tantric approach into our sexuality, we embrace without shame the deeper whispers of our sexual beings and explore compassionately their encrypted callings.
We may be ashamed of some of our sexual fantasies, because they represent the opposite of who we perceive ourselves to be. We may judge them to be perverted. By bringing them into the light, we better understand the deeper workings of our psyche. In fantasy, we become the director of a psychodrama that progressively allows us to overcome the tensions and feelings of shame, fear, guilt, rejection, neglect and abuse. They can serve as a positive affirmation of what we want to move into. Fantasy also allows us to entertain more empowered, spiritual and tantric expressions of our sexuality before we are ready to act on them.
Sexual fantasy does not only relegate itself to the world of fetishes or imagined scenarios. They also might be replaying a positive sexual experience we did have and long to repeat. It may be viewing the same porn scenes over and over again. Fantasy also extends itself into the body types that we prefer. For example, a woman may say that she never dates men shorter than her or a man may only go out with big-breasted women. These are also fantasies.
Here are some common fantasies and their deeper call and meaning:
Sadomasochism and rape fantasies have certain themes in common – they can be a way of coming to terms with physical, sexual, verbal or psychological abuse. This time the person is the director and scripts the scenario, giving himself/herself a glimpse of empowerment. They can also be a way for the person to experiment with surrendering – in being in the masochistic role or in projecting oneself onto the victim. “I, as the sadist, am going to force you to surrender,” really translates into, “I am going to force myself to finally let go. I need the ‘other’ to play me, because for the time being it is too threatening for me to do so.” This fantasy can be spiritual in surrendering to a higher power or more emotional in surrendering to love or the power and the beauty of sex, that may have been discouraged or shamed in earlier years. Stan Grof (world-renowned transpersonal psychologist and founder of Holotropic Breathwork) also writes about such fantasies being a way of working out a violent or difficult birth.
Voyeurism and Exhibitionism – shame, guilt and disempowerment.
Breasts – nurturance, love and connection in a way the man or woman did not receive. The fantasy is a way to give himself/herself that kind of nourishment and nurturance at a primal level.
Threesomes – this fantasy can be a psychological mechanism to relieve the tension of deeper feelings: rejection, being favoured, being the outsider or letting others do what one dares not. Perhaps the person was left out in past social situations or was the sibling who was not favoured in the family. Infidelity or polygamy may have happened in the family. Such a fantasy could be identifying with the parent who betrayed the other parent or the parent who was betrayed. It could be the guilt for being the favourite child. It could be the desire to explore another expression of sexuality that is not being met by one’s current lover, which of course, could reflect a deeper, emotional need.
Homosexual fantasies – it may be that one wants to express a more homosexual way of being sexually or its lifestyle. It may be a deeper psychological tension of wanting the love of that parent of that same gender. It may be the desire to explore a greater facet of one’s own gender that one doesn’t give permission to.
Yellow Showers – being urinated on may reflect humiliation but also may be connected to an experience during birth where the mother lost bladder control and the baby came in contact with urine at such a breakthrough moment (being born and orgasm share a similar symbolic quality).
Humiliation – this can reflect being a victim of bullying or abuse in whatever form. The fact that the person orchestrates the fantasy shows a reclaiming of power. But there comes a point where it could be a repetition of that same feeling of being humiliated. So then the invitation would be to begin through the fantasy, to invite in another level of healing and empowerment.
Several tantra teachers I have come across encourage going beyond fantasy to be fully in the present moment. I agree, but I feel we must also have a safe, transitional zone to embrace the deeper, psychological, emotional and spiritual yearnings that are begging for acknowledgement and healing.
A way to begin to decode the deeper yearning of our fantasies or sexual preferences is to make a list of key archetypical words associated with that fantasy. For example – powerful, feminine, soft, daring, hard, the preferred one, the favorite one, the rejected one, the most attractive one, ignored, wanted, desired, lusted after, on top, on the bottom, taken, taken from behind, masked, blindfolded, tied up, spanked, humiliated, raped, restricted, can’t move, risk, undistracted, focused on, cherished, whispered to, wanted, rendered powerless, undivided attention, worshiped, devoted to, having to share with another, suckled, held, stroked, caressed, ravaged or loved.
In just reading any of these above words did your being get aroused at any particular word? Did you flash on a word? If so, that momentary arousal or waking up, may be your being seeking to integrate something long unclaimed.
I have worked with several clients who have let go of porn or recurring abusive fantasies as they felt they no longer served the transition they started off to be. Instead they became a dangerous, downward spiral of addictive negativity. These courageous souls sought out deep healing to face the painful messages their psyches persisted in communicating. How to work with fantasy more consciously? Sometimes we need a professional to help us. Other times, the transparent sharing in a journal or with a lover will do wonders. The key is a compassionate, open embrace of any deep revealing. Fantasies are awake dreams with strong messages. Bringing them to the light allows an integration of lost, essential parts of us. We can then open to arousal and orgasm beyond fantasy – however staying open and ready for any next wave of messages longing to be heard and integrated.
For more information go to www.cynthagonzalez.com
