Tantric Sex Part 2 – Ejaculatory Choice by Cynthia Gonzalez
In my last post, I discussed the difference between adrenaline-based sex and oxytocin-based sex. The former is more ego-driven and focuses on release and lust. Oxytocin-based sex takes arousal up the body and focuses on the heart and spiritual connection. To best enhance and prolong this deeper connection, men are challenging the habit of ejaculating with an orgasm and educating themselves on ejaculation choice – meaning the ability to decide if they will orgasm with or without ejaculation. The Chinese medical tradition says that a man over 40 should not ejaculate more than once a month. He may have as many orgasms he wants – it’s simply recommended that he retain the vital life-force energy by reabsorbing the semen into the prostate and seminal vesicle.
How does this work?
As women practice their kegel exercises – or pelvic floor contractions to help with childbirth or better sexual mastery, men can do their PC exercises, too. Men have a prostate gland that contracts the urethra when a man urinates or ejaculates. Beneath the prostate gland, is the urogenital diaphragm that aids in these contractions. With greater mastery, this diaphragm can be contracted firmly upwards and aid the prostate to hold back the ejaculation response. The man’s partner can use the forefinger and middle finger and press up on the urogenital diaphragm to aid him mechanically in blocking ejaculation until he develops greater mastery himself. But this is not enough. He then needs to direct his orgasm upward with intention and breath.
Kyle, the tantric teacher, who featured in the last post shared, “I’ve been asked if it’s healthy or safe to not ejaculate often and I’ve told people that if your body needs to release what has been held back for too long, it’s going to do it whether you like it or not.” Relationship coach Corey Alexander suggests sending any stuck, accumulated energy from a retained ejaculation upwards, up the central energy channel to dissipate it and nourish other areas of the body, like the heart, kidneys or head.
Kyle offers his own experience with ejaculatory choice and explains why one would want to explore this option.
“Ejaculatory choice is something I’ve been exploring for a long time. It’s still a whole world of discovery and I’m continuing to learn new things. I don’t always hold back ejaculating with orgasms – maybe every 3rd, 4th or 5th time. I don’t follow a schedule.
“As time has gone on, I’ve started tuning into a subtlety in my own body and in general with much more “below the surface” feelings and sensations. This has led to a full control of ejaculation and experiencing (multiple) orgasms that at first were subtle, but now have become better than orgasm with ejaculation. My sexual experiences now have turned from a slow and constant buildup to the climax…to a constant orgasmic state that can last for hours. When I do decide to ejaculate with an orgasm, it’s a total event for me that can last a few minutes. The average male orgasm usually lasts about 5-10 seconds. I feel a consistent connection that lasts deeper and deeper long after I’ve put my clothes on. I feel a high level of natural energy that I’ve never experienced before and I feel it pulsing through my body.”
Interestingly, women who have experienced cervical orgasms, report the same after effects, with an enduring orgasmic state that lasts for days. Such feats can sound enticing and sensational. Are they within reach for most?
The first key to this expanded state and heightened energy is learning how to actively work with one’s own sexual life force energy via intention and breath. Kundalini yoga classes are a wonderful, effective means to understand and master the circulation of subtle life energy via energetic pathways. The second key is love and connection. Corey Alexander says SEX is Sacred Energy Xchange. If one simply chases the high of tantric sex, it is not tantric sex. It is simply better sex. Such an exchange can only happen between two equals. To reach these exalted states demands a surrender and emotional nakedness with each other. Any unshared hurts or truths will demand to be expressed as the Kundalini snake makes its epic ascent over and over. Any old sexual or emotional hurts from former lovers, abusers or family members may burst forth on the lovemaking scene. A raw, undefended heart explosion of the deepest expression of love may erupt from one’s lover. One may have no control and gush from the depths, “I love you so much,” despite any fear of being that vulnerable and losing it all in the next moment. There is no emotional bypassing in such authentic relating.
In Sanskrit, the penis is called a lingam, which means a shaft of light. A physical organ is ascribed metaphysical qualities in its name. The nature of any light is to radiate out. In tantra, it is up and out. As a man uses his shaft or wand of light to penetrate a female’s yoni or sacred vessel, he has the potential to send this light beyond the physical reach of his penis, up towards her heart and then into her spiritual centers.
In tantric sex, it is not about the end release but being fully present to the exchange and finding genuine pleasure and fulfillment from such heightened relating. With ejaculatory choice, the goalpost likewise changes. The couple reaches a level of surrender, flow and connection where both the woman and the man ride waves after waves of orgasm, opening to the larger pulse of energy that is the heartbeat of our Universe. Each lover is healed in ways beyond the imagination and nourished to a core of being that lends to a more enlivened presence out in the world in every encounter.
When spiritual and religious disciplines advise no sex until marriage, I believe what they are getting at is that the true potential of sex can only be reached in an encounter where there is true openness, trust, unconditional love and union – whatever the exact nature of that relationship – married or not. In other words, is the couple really ready for what it takes to engage in a true Sacred Energy Xchange?
For information on upcoming tantra workshops go to www.cynthagonzalez.com
