During our childhood we’re raised on magical fairytales – the beautiful princess is invariably rescued by a knight in shining armour and they live happily ever after. In our teens we’re swept away by Hollywood’s notion of idealized, romantic relationships, prompting us to fantasize about falling crazily in love and lust with the perfect partner. While we all desire a nourishing, fulfilling relationship; the quest for perfect love is often an ill-fated one.
The Sufi sage Nasrudin sums it up with this story: One man asks the other why he has never married. His friend sighs deeply and confesses that he has spent years looking for the perfect woman. “So you didn’t find her then?” asks the first man. “Oh no” the second man replies sadly. “I did find her, however, it seems she was looking for the perfect man.”
Seeking perfection is actually the antithesis of looking for love. Psychoanalysts agree that perfectionism is a form of neurosis. With perfectionists, disappointment is always lurking around the corner. Their concept of love comes with a long list of conditions, which in turn creates anxiety and conflict. Ironically, perfectionists never manage to achieve lasting happiness and often end up feeling lonely and disconnected from their partners, who in turn feel inadequate.
As the Indian mystic and spiritual teacher Osho pointed out, perfectionists are always on the brink of madness. “All perfectionism is a sort of deep ego trip. A perfectionist is neurotic and he creates neurotic trends around him. Perfection is not humanly possible. In fact, imperfect is the only way to be.” When it comes to love, there is no such thing as perfect love.
According to Osho, a Zen-inspired love is far more satisfying since it provides a greater sense of human relatedness. “Zen is not perfectionist,” said Osho. “Zen is unconditionally value-free – if you make a condition you miss the point. Zen imposes no character on anyone. Zen has no fear or greed. Zen is not interested in anybody’s transformation. And it transforms – that is the paradox. Zen brings more beatitude to human beings than anything else, but it is not concerned with that at all. In Zen, a totally new dimension opens, the dimension of effortless transformation. Zen makes you luminous from within.”
For a Zen-inspired love to flourish freely, Zen masters say that it requires a leap of faith, a great deal of trust and openness. The natural tendency is to hide, mask or feel ashamed of our shortcomings. Our insecurities. Our flaws. However, true intimacy begins when we manage to muster up the courage to unveil our darker qualities and rawest emotional trigger-points without fear of being judged or admonished. Even Shakespeare once wrote, “This thing of darkness, I acknowledge mine.” In revealing our true, inner self we are taking a risk, and yet in baring our soul and opening our heart, we also allow the beauty of an authentic kind of love to blossom.
