Spiritual teacher and Vedanta expert, SA Sreedharan talks about the beauty of rising rather than falling in love
If you are shopping around for love, it’s likely that you are hoping for a relationship that was better than your last one. Learning how to assess a potential love interest is the key, especially when looking to invest long-term.
Our breakups always teach us lessons, although the question is, have we really learned from them? Past relationships should help us to make better decisions in the future. And when we meet someone new, it should be our values rather than our fear, pain, or anger from past relationships that accompany us into a new partnership. That way our relationships can only evolve and get better.
When you meet someone you like, be bold enough to enquire about everything – don’t assume anything. You shouldn’t feel pressured either. When preparing to invest in a relationship, it helps to have a checklist that falls into two categories – negotiable and non-negotiable. What you are happy to accept and what you aren’t. Once you know what you need in a partner, the question then becomes: are you being realistic? Let’s be honest. Some folks go after people who are out of their spiritual range and the end result is relationship foreclosure. On the other side of the fence are those of us who settle for what’s available, out of fear that they will end up alone.
You should be asking yourself if your love interest fits into your emotional budget? Do you have enough spiritual credit to make sacrifices when times get tough? Are you both wanting the same things out of life? Now here’s the harsh truth. The person you’re in a relationship with is a reflection of your own self-esteem. What you feel you deserve is equal to what you think you’re worth.
That’s why, ideally, you should enter a relationship when you have learned to love and respect yourself, so you have the capacity to give ‘loving someone else’ your best shot. If both partners start to practise unconditional love (which is by no means easy) and put in a consistent effort to love each other more than the other, then this is an excellent foundation. If this kind of love continues, it ensures relationship bliss for both.
The reality though is often very different since the word ‘love’ is a complex one. This four-lettered word can stir up conflicting emotions and implications. Saying ‘I love you’ is sometimes used flippantly while other times, it is too scarce. Love can radically transform relationships – sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. It can instil fear in one person and security in another. It can conjure boundaries for one and entrap another. The concept of love falls into several categories including the following:
Romantic Love
This type of love is accompanied with the feeling of being in love and idealising the beloved. Although sensual fulfilment plays a part in the early stages, later on you might realise that you are in love with your ideal rather than your partner, and sometimes this can shatter the illusion. Eventually, reality awakens you from the romantic dream. At that point, you either evolve and accept who that person is and continue in the relationship or you part ways.
Erotic Love
Physical and sensual pleasures are at the centre of this relationship. Nobody expects this kind of love to last forever; it simply lasts for as long as the sex is good. It thrives on the present moment without the need to project everlasting togetherness. Sex without a deep, meaningful love can be stimulating and exciting initially but after some time there is something missing. It merely becomes a release, gratification in the basest form. You have the feeling that you can reach for the stars but never quite touch them.
Companionship Love
This type of love occurs in long-term relationships where partners are usually married or living together. The initial fire matures into a glowing ember – enough to flicker into a flame if necessary and yet it provides a steady, consistent feeling of warmth and intimacy within the relationship. There is an overriding feeling of friendship here, although with mutual effort, feelings of passion can be reignited.
Spiritual Love
This form of love is non possessive and yet highly intimate because it is based on radical honesty. It means I accept you for who you are. I do not want to change you. I want to be happy and I want you to be happy too. I want to be together, when we are together. No more, no less. It’s about getting to know the other person, having fun, creating memories and secrets, sharing inside jokes with someone you can trust. Sex with spiritual love can transform you. At the moment of ecstasy your souls meet and you soar through the universe and it becomes spiritual as well as physical. Time stops for the briefest of moments; that is the power of the highest form of love.
Whatever form your relationship takes, with true love there is a sense of freedom, trust and respect. It feels a little like this: I don’t have to put on a fake personality. If I find something funny when I’m with you I just laugh. If I’m being stupid, you’ll tell me. If I trip and fall, you’ll laugh and then help me up and give me a hug, which is exactly what I need. If I’m upset you’ll ask me what’s wrong, but instead of letting me cry for hours about it you’ll say something, make me laugh and forget it. No one else can do that. With you, I don’t have to pretend to be someone I’m not, I can just be me and I love that feeling. If I’m in trouble you’d be there to help me through it. If I lose faith in myself I know you have faith in me. And I love spending time with you because even though I have flaws and I’m far from perfect, you still accept me as me, which is something no one else does. As a result, instead of falling in love, I rise in love.
For information on Vedanta lectures, e-mail sree@vedantaworld.org
