With gratitude to Faddic for the above painting entitled Revive
Fulfilment after Sexual Abuse by Cyntha Gonzalez
Sexual Abuse is a mean devil. After its vampiric bite, it wrecks havoc with the victim’s sexuality, until a force stronger and lighter can override and revolutionize its nasty infection. Sexual abuse seeps into one’s deepest ground waters of fiery vitality and sensual expression. It breeds dark self-hate and sticky shame that tenaciously hangs on. But like any devil, sexual abuse is a trickster – taunting the victim: “Are you going to succumb to the illusion of who I really am or see through me?” Coming to terms with this trickster can be a life-long task, but one worth every effort. So, what constitutes sexual abuse?
Sexual Harassment – unwelcome sexual advances.
*Pressuring and manipulating the other into sex if one threatens to leave
*Threatening to withdraw love or one’s job or professional advancement if the other does not agree to sex or certain sexual acts.
Rape – physically forcing another to have sex against their will or “No.”
*Marital and date rape are applicable too.
*It can include penetrating another with an object or any body part.
Gang Rape – penetrating vaginally, anally or orally with an object or body part by two or more against one’s will.
Incest – sexual activity of any nature, energetic or otherwise, with a member of the same family.
Inappropriate Touching – touching of either sexual areas of the body or a more neutral area of the body with the intent to derive sexual pleasure when it is age-inappropriate or against the will of the receiver. This can include inappropriate kissing too.
Verbal Abuse – derogatory names used to attack or degrade one’s gender, sexual anatomy, body or being.
Pornography – pressured or negligent
*Pressuring another to view pornographic movies or images
*Made to pose for seductive or sexual photographs
Victim of Voyeurism/Flashing – spied upon when undressing or bathing or shown intimate body parts in an inappropriate way
Jalaja Bonheim in her groundbreaking Aphrodite’s Daughters names the underlying profile of any perpetrator of sexual abuse. She likens this person to a thief who is desperate to connect – emotionally and ultimately to a Spiritual Source. This thief steals into the temple in the cloak of the night and rushes to the altar of promise and steals the holiest of holies. He or she scurries back out. But when the thief opens its hands, it sees that they are empty. The road to real emotional or spiritual connection cannot be stolen, manipulated or coerced.
The thief may be needy Sandrine who targets her employee as the future source of emotional connection. Jon is single but not interested. Sandrine lets Jon know that the promotion he seeks may be on the line unless he services her sexually.
The thief may be Walter, the stepfather to Marie. He is fascinated by the innocence of her 10-year old angelic self. He desperately craves that purity. He doesn’t have any clue how to access it in himself. He molests her again and again in her bedroom down the hall, hoping the next time he will possess it.
Healing from sexual abuse is an epic journey of traversing key stages:
ANGER:
The anger and rage work must happen at some point, as uncomfortable as it may be. It is actually an act of self-love. It declares loud and clear- this was wrong. ‘No! You had no right to do this to me. No! Deal with your pain or desperation otherwise. No! Don’t use me!’ Bashing, bodywork and anger release work through voice and physical expression in a therapeutic setting is suggested.
BETRAYAL:
The betrayal piece includes anger at the bully/perpetrator but also at the others who did not protect the victim from such ravaging harm. Anger release work is good for this stage.
GUILT:
It’s important to face the guilt of not saying ‘No’ (as impossible it would have been too often) or not knowing how to protect oneself. Sometimes the victim was so desperate for connection and love due to already strong family or societal dysfunction that he or she was susceptible to such ruthless exploitation. Yoga and energy healing are suggested to increase trust in oneself as one develops greater awareness of the subtle body.
SHAME:
It’s important to name the toxic shame that insidiously creeps in and transmute it to self-compassion. ‘The toxic shame left with me is actually theirs to heal and transmute. I give it back to them for their healing. It was never true all they made me believe about myself. My sexuality is pure and beautiful.’ Sensual Dance is suggested to heal a shamed, banished, sensuality and sexuality.
SADNESS:
This is a vulnerable step. It’s feeling the devastation of a purity and fire so horribly tampered with. It is feeling the bottomless sorrow of such transgression of something so precious and valuable. Emotional bodywork and art/music therapy are recommended.
COMPREHENSION:
After having scaled and felt these preceding troubling, raw emotions, which can sometimes take months or years, one is invited to the vast buttes of comprehension and perspective. ‘Dare I take the overview? Am I healed enough to do so? Dare I consider what is the pain of this menacing bully that seized so mercilessly my sexual innocence and power? Dare I see this perpetrator as a miserable, weak, desperate unloved inner little boy or girl who abused a power they never deserved to have?’ Research, if possible can help: ‘Who was this person? What would have been their pain to do this?’ What has been the fallout on the victim? Being shut down or reckless with one’s sexuality? A thawing of a defended, frozen sexuality may begin to happen. A gentle, firm limit on indiscriminate sexuality is set.
COMPASSION:
One eventually gets to the place of humble empathy, only after well-vented emotional pain. ‘I see this other as wounded, if not more so than me. I feel their pain. My heart breaks open to this pain. The power I could only give them as my abuser is revoked and I now see them as a desperate, insecure being. It was never true what I concluded about myself and them. I am lovable. My sexuality is beautiful. They are not all powerful. They are as desperate and eager for love as I am or once was.’
ACCEPTANCE:
‘I accept it could not have been any other way given the circumstances at the time. I accept the horror but also the transformational journey that came with. I am wiser, deeper and more loving for it.’
FORGIVENESS:
‘I forgive my abuser and myself. I let go.’ When you are unable to forgive, you allow the pain to keep returning. As Anne Lamott once said: “Not forgiving is like drinking rat poison and then waiting for the rat to die”. Forgiveness Meditation can guide you through this stage. Art therapy is also beneficial.
REBIRTH:
‘I am whole. I may be scarred but I am not wounded anymore. I share the gems of my dedicated healing and learning, to alleviate the suffering and ignorance of others. I now only attract a lover who honors and celebrates my sacred, gorgeous, wild sexuality! I attract a sensitive lover with whom it is safe to share the scars of my past and offer them up for our mutual healing. I am ready to unleash my inner tantric goddess!’
For more information go to www.cynthagonzalez.com
