Cyntha Gonzalez, a Transpersonal Psychology Counsellor, Tantric Healer and Holotropic Breathwork facilitator, discusses the power and limitations of sexual healing
Lovemaking can often bring unresolved emotional issues to the surface. As an emotional bodywork practitioner, many of my clients I see, often experience one of the following reactions during a treatment:
1. Strong emotions linked to the present, past or fear of the future
2. Memories of compromised sexuality
3. Symbolic imagery that is reflective of an inner, current psychological state
4. Physical sensations like heat or cold, pain or the sensation of floating
Just as a professional healer needs to exercise compassion, trustworthiness and empathy for the client, in order for him or her to let down barriers, the same goes for you and your lover. When it comes to sex, beneath the surface, lots of emotions are bubbling away.
For instance, many years ago, I treated a couple called Thomas and Jacqueline (*names have been changed) who both had unresolved past issues that cropped up during their lovemaking.
Jacqueline lost her father as a five-year-old and so her grief and fear of abandonment, manifests itself several times during her sexual relationship with Thomas. Meanwhile, Thomas was molested several times at boarding school and so his body holds the toxic shame and trauma of this unwanted abuse within his cellular memory. As he becomes closer and more vulnerable to Jacqueline, he begins to have flashbacks of the humiliating violation he was subjected to. As a result, he starts to avoid sex and make excuses so as not to experience this associated pain and unwanted feelings.
Sexual energy is life-force energy that circulates throughout the body, like water flowing through an unkinked garden hose. If the body is in defence-mode and bracing itself against the memory of past trauma, the sexual energy that attempts to flow freely will be halted and unexplored. So how does someone help his or her lover in the face of such painful and unprocessed manifestations?
1. Accept that the body has a cellular memory that holds impactful life experiences – challenging and joyful – until they can be digested and eliminated. Know that lovemaking can rouse and awaken any sleeping dragons.
2. One of the founders of the field of transpersonal psychology, Stanislav Grof, says we can have Traumas of Omission and Traumas of Commission.
a. Traumas of Omission are where we should have received something that we did not including affection, support, validation, care and love. So in the case of Jacqueline, she may look to Thomas for the affection and presence that was missing from her deceased father and forlorn widowed mother. While Thomas does hold and hug his lover, ideally Jacqueline should learn to love and support herself rather than hold her partner hostage to giving her affection.
b. Traumas of Commission are where we received something we should not have, like verbal, psychological, physical or sexual abuse. In this case, Thomas projects his fears onto Jacqueline and he begins to dread and avoid sex. While Jacqueline tries to soothe him, she may also insist he receive professional help to keep their intimacy alive.
3. Risk ‘Radical Honesty’ in addressing any interfering, unhealed past trauma. Also make your lover feel safe enough to risk transparency. For Thomas to risk being 100 per cent honest with Jacqueline, he needed to feel safe and appreciated. He needed her to believe and not shame him for being weak or damaged and to understand and support him. If there is a lack of security or appreciation, a partner is likely to clam up and/or shut down.
4. Whoever we attract into our life is never an accident. If we are attracting someone with a blockage or excessive need, there is some reciprocal wisdom. Either our struggling lover is a mirror to oneself or there is a necessary lesson to learn. As their relationship deepens, Jacqueline’s insecurities heighten as she fears Thomas will leave her or die an early death and so she begins to exhibit needy behaviour, wanting to make love often so as to be reassured. Meanwhile Thomas has various triggers and feels he is being used to appease Jacqueline’s fears. He finds it difficult to see that he is avoiding sex because he fears confronting painful past memories. He is annoyed by her neediness, seeing an unattractive mirror to his own deep insecurities of being loved for him rather than the pleasure that his body can give.
With professional help, these fears can be cured. Wherever a lover goes, his or her deeply held unfinished business goes. The body is a depository holding a wealth of feeling and unexpressed grief and trauma – minor and major. So often unknowingly, a lover is placed in the position of entrusted healer to soothe unwanted transgressions, or invited to be a listener hearing confessions of deep guilt and regret – while processing their own material. We need to acknowledge that the cellular memory we carry is an inevitable passenger on the ride to sexual union and shared ecstasy. Real love and intimacy are tested as we are called to hold and heal the emotional sensitivities of another vulnerable being. The increased trust and bond are exquisite gifts to both, lending to surrender and openness to the raw, healing power of sexual connection.
