THE GIFTS OF INFIDELITY
by Cyntha Gonzalez
Intimate relationships take us to our edge. Infidelity hurls us mercilessly over. It’s one of those menacing dangers we fear and try to do everything in our power to protect ourselves from. However, when it does slither its way into our partnership, whether we are the one who is disloyal or betrayed, its initiatic bite can either leave us brittle and bitter or it can catalyse a revolutionary, emotional growing up. So, why does betrayal happen and how can we achieve the latter?
• Void – Where there is a void, there is something to fill, so we learn to fill it within or allow another in to help us fill it. Will that something within be one’s own self-love or finding comfort in Source? Or will one succumb to the temptation to fill loneliness with the presence of another or seek healing instead – via courageous communication with one’s partner or with the intermediary of a therapist? Is the void in the relationship or within oneself, or in both?
• We always attract our reciprocal – when infidelity happens, the level of emotional maturity of all three is equal in proportion to its inverse. A victim, a rescuer and a bully all attract each other.
• Emotional affairs – They are also escape hatches from real relating and sometimes more slippery to define.
• Both partners in the primary relationship agree that the affair will happen This may be a tough one to take on but it leads to the next point.
• We are not victims, but co-creators of our relationship. Sometimes the betrayed partner ‘lets’ the other do the transgressing, so not to be the ‘bad guy’ – because neither has the courage to shake up or end the partnership. Or sometimes the betrayed partner puts on blinders for far too long as to whom she or he is committed to and needs this gross betrayal to confront the avoided shadows in the relationship.
Common Behind-the-Scene Motivations:
(They can happen individually or in several combinations below).
1. Unfinished Business from Childhood – The primary relationship is triggering uncomfortable feelings that trace back to childhood. Rather than ride them out and take them into healing, the disloyal partner seeks out a convenient escape from such discomfort.
• When Jonathan was young, his father began traveling extensively for work and remained emotionally remote. Jonathan grew up smothered by his needy mother who was desperate for connection with basically anyone. When Jonathan’s wife, independent Kate, had their first child, she longed to nest and have her husband more at home. His unexpressed anger and loneliness in having such an emotionally wounded mother still had not been addressed. Instead, he projected his mother onto Kate and in rebellion to his wife’s new requests, he sought out carefree, single Sienna.
2. Parental Infidelity or Polygamy – In the family of origin of one or both partners, there was parental infidelity or polygamy that left deep scars. Infidelity will take one or both partners into those same feelings that perhaps long to be finally brought to acceptance and forgiveness through the fire of dealing with infidelity in one’s own life.
• Tanya’s mother fell in love with her tennis coach and left Tanya’s dad for him. Tanya never forgave her mother. Classically, Tanya’s husband, Roberto, fell in love with the young intern at his company. She had a choice this time how she would view this man’s infidelity. She chose the therapy route. She learned to see Roberto for his insecurities and needs for reassurance, then her mother’s and eventually her own. Forgiveness followed.
• Selma’s father took a second wife when Selma was 14. Her mother was devastated. Selma’s debut into adolescence was marked by rage and poisonous resentment towards her father and soon, men in general. When Selma, an established lawyer, was 32, she fell in love with Adam, the married head partner of the firm and began a torrid affair. Through the intimacy of long discussions with Adam, she began to see the parallel between Adam’s frustrations and pain and her father’s. She also saw that her father, like Adam, was not strong enough to take the relationship with his wife to full closure or full healing and escaped into another’s welcoming arms. This time, hers.
3. The End of the Relationship – To leave a marriage and to leave a family – the one we create or marry in to, can be a radical leap into the unknown. Great loss of the very person, the family unit, shared friends, a lifestyle, financial resources and a created home may just be too overwhelming. It may be tempting to just put up with the apparent dysfunction or hope for improvement, despite a gnawing feeling that it’s irrevocably over. This can go on for years. Then another comes along and wakes one of the partners up to the possibility of what can be. There is no going back. The newcomer proves to be inevitable, because in the imperfect human condition, neither in the primary relationship could leave the sinking ship without this catalyzer.
4. Wake-Up Call – Fundamentally the relationship has good foundations. However the relationship has fallen into a rut and needs a radical shaking up that an affair can do.
• Carmen worked long hours as a special needs teacher. She loved her work and put the majority of her energy into it. She studied to be a yoga teacher as well, and in the evening, when not teaching yoga, other subjects or caring for the children, she was trying out new yoga classes around town. Raul’s 9-5 job was predictable and consistent. He was an engineer and loved Carmen deeply. However, he did not understand the world of metaphysics she was delving into nor why she was out far too often. Raul became friendly with his neighbour who he passed while walking the dog after work. An innocent dinner together soon led to a short-lived affair. His guilt led to a full confession one night after Carmen’s 5th yoga class of the week. They sought out counselling – both were deeply invested in the relationship and despite the betrayal, ready to catapult themselves into a deeper way of truly loving and forgiving the other. They perched themselves to better see what had weakened in their couple, and then they made agreed upon changes. Carmen began taking action for change that was inspiring and dynamic. She vowed to come home for three nights at the same time as her husband. She began walking the dog with him. He proposed they join a salsa dance class. They wrote a blog together to enlighten others.
In order to come out of the devastating abyss of infidelity, an acknowledgement of past wounding, radical transparency, being accountable and going beyond victimization sets us free and leads us to true seeing and forgiveness. It can take time, but it is possible. We can trust again. We can even be grateful for the betrayal and its gifts of life-changing transformation.
For more information go to www.cynthagonzalez.com
