Why We Attract our Partners
by Cyntha Gonzalez
Relationships! We may be in one that is finally healthy and flowing. We may long to be in one. We may be in one that is clearly just not working. We may ask, “If I am doing all the right things, why do I keep attracting dysfunctional relationships, or no relationship at all?!”
It’s worth remembering that we are energy and we are also both a transmitter and a receiver of energy. The waves of our energy can be measured by:
• their frequency or how fast they move
• their height
• their amps or power
• their smoothness or rough edges
• their regularity or erratic irregularity
All of these make up the vibration of our energy. Our thoughts and feelings reflect the vibrational pattern we are emitting. Our relational patterns we inherited from our primary caretakers, contribute greatly to what we attract in an intimate relationship. If our current relationships are not working for us, it helps to consciously identify those past patterns and bring them into awareness. We then can usurp their influence with a stronger, higher vibrational pattern that transforms the old into one that is new and healthy.
Is it true that opposites attract? Or rather, do we attract our reciprocal? I believe both. Like a sunflower turns towards the sun, we turn towards the energies that match and feed our vibration. Like energies come into resonance with each other. Dissimilar energies repel from each other.
Opposites attracting is actually our desire to come into wholeness. It paradoxically is like attracting like – it’s our underdeveloped side attracting its mirror – both in the light and shadow manifestations of our partner. For instance, Amina attracted a dynamic businessman in her successful partner, Omar. In the beginning of the relationship, she unknowingly longed to develop this part of herself but was at a loss as to how to bring this out of her. Adam attracted a bully in his partner, Sarah, and deep down longed to heal his own bully nature that he projected onto Amina. As he raised his vibration, he learned to be more empowered in love and firmness, rather than retaliation and revenge. Gillian was at ease with her body. She grew up in a family and society that was accepting of her natural sexual development. She attracted Jonathan who was teased for being a skinny, lanky, tall boy. Bean was his nickname. He longed for confidence and ease in revealing his naked body and learned to own that by being with Gillian.
What does it mean to attract our reciprocal? To the degree we are conscious and developed, we will attract someone equally conscious and developed. Whatever our unfinished business is, we will attract someone with equal unfinished business. So, if Katy is abused verbally and psychologically in her marriage. Her wound is a bundle of energy stored in her physical body, in her thought forms and in her emotional field. Since like attracts like, Katy attracted the same wounded energy in Daniel, despite her best efforts to not repeat her parents’ marriage and her father’s disparaging comments about her. However, Katy longs to be whole and balanced. As she attracted a homeopathic remedy of like energy that intensified the symptoms of what she grew up with, she can raise her vibration and shed this old, negative way of seeing herself and marriage.
As children, we were highly dependent on our parents or caretakers. Our dependency was a matter of life or death, physically and emotionally. When there was any kind of perceived threat to our well-being, we contracted, went into fear and developed strategies to protect ourselves. Our vibration shut down and was automatically lowered. Because our natural state is one of openness and equilibrium, we long to return to this wholeness. One effective way is attracting precisely the same energy, so that as adults, we can raise our vibration and transform this unfinished business and return to our state of love and wholeness. Grieving the past, deeply forgiving it and letting it go so to replace the lower vibration we radiate outward, allows us to make literally a quantum leap in attracting a higher vibration.
What is a quantum leap? It’s the amount of energy used when an electron jumps up from one energy orbit to the next energy orbit inside an atom. It is leaving behind the old consciousness and moving up a vibrational notch. In a quantum leap, more richness and energy are added to the system and any heaviness or deadweight is dropped that interferes in moving up this notch – both literally and figuratively.
So, when Sam got together with Carolina, a heavy drinker, he had the same feelings of shame, embarrassment, fear and walking on eggshells that he had growing up with his alcoholic stepfather. He further realized that Carolina used drink to numb her painful feelings about herself and decided he could only be with a wife who processed her feelings in a mature manner and that he would no longer expose himself to such dysfunction. Sam had a quantum leap.
Sam’s quantum leap was fueled by accumulative messages from friends, healthy media and a 12-Step programme for friends and family of an alcoholic, reinforcing that he could have healthy intimacy, that he was not abandoning her if he left, and that he actually was abandoning himself by staying with an unavailable partner. When he came to this ah-ha moment, the rising energy accumulated to a point that it fueled a lift-off into another paradigm or into literal higher orbits of circulation of the electrons of his energy. Since the old pattern of coping with an alcoholic had long been imprinted, he strengthened this new pattern by surrounding himself with others literally on the same wavelength.
If we want to change what we are attracting, we need to change the signals we are sending out. We can do this two ways:
1. Raise our vibration first and then the old will repel us. The old will be incompatible and no longer able to sustain itself since it will no longer be fed with a sustenance it depends on. We can do this by increasing our physical vibration through healthy eating, regular exercise and letting go of addictive substances. A most effective means to increase our vibration is to visualize what we want to attract and feel it, as if it is already happening. We let ourselves feel the associated emotions with what we want, since energy reads what we feel more than what we think.
2. The other option is to put ourselves into a higher vibration of what we want to attract, and then grow into it. This may initially feel foreign and we may want to run back to the old. However, as we discipline ourselves to stay in an environment or with people of an advanced vibration, we will eventually calibrate to the same energetic resonance of what we aspire to and shift up effortlessly. This is what Sam did as he attended a 12-Step programme to deal with his reactions to Carolina’s drinking. He was skeptical at first, but eventually attuned himself to a healthier, more healed attitude and way of being. Maintenance is the key, to support the new, higher vibrations as they take hold.
Ultimately we are not victims of our relationship situation. Once we become aware of what we are giving off as energetic signals and take responsibility for what we are drawing in, we step into a renewed optimism and empowerment to reorient ourselves to what we want to attract. It’s science, after all!
For more about bringing consciousness into your relationships, go to www.cynthagonzalez.com
