With thanks to Faddic for the above painting entitled Red Prayer. For sales enquiries please e-mail sarah@oncloudzen.com
ARE WOMEN HARDWIRED TO HAVE LOW EXPECTATIONS FROM MEN?
By Cyntha Gonzalez
Last week, a friend of mine, Samantha, accused two of her male work colleagues of sexually assaulting her after work at a bar, during an office night out. Two days later the guys did apologize somewhat, after being confronted by Samantha and several of their mutual work mates, recognizing that if she were that upset, than perhaps their pressure had gone too far. However they maintained that her “No” was not emphatic enough. According to a mutual friend of ours, Tara (who was present the evening of the incident and at the confrontation two days after) the men were unable to take full ownership and had very little empathy for Samantha’s feelings of being violated. Then, as Tara dashed out of the door, she chided, “What do you expect? They’re guys!”
My response was to silently scream within, “No. Don’t expect less! Don’t stop there. This can’t be the end-all conclusion as far as what we can believe men are capable of deep down. I can’t give up on them. They have to be more than this.”
I gave this a lot of thought over the week. I considered the evolutionary biology argument that men are primal mammals, seeking to propagate the species and filled with testosterone-driven force to do so – at all cost. Are men reduced to their hormonal biology? Is a woman reduced to hers, as a caring, empathetic maternal female, over-identifying with a man being told No and not wanting to hurt him?
I feel we are multi-dimensional beings, with yes, a physiology that participates in dictating our desires, but also an emotional psychology and a spirituality that have a highly contributing role as well.
As a boy enters puberty, his sexual organs and awakening sexual desires take center stage. Masturbation will be inevitable. But as that same boy enters puberty, he takes with him every influence of how an adult man treats an adult woman. How a woman treats a man. He brings with him every experience of being in his power and creativity as a person with a unique creative potential. Will he be encouraged to go for his dreams of what he’s passionate about, or will his father urge him to study business so to take over the family company, when his heart is in design or medicine? Will his vulnerability along the way be acknowledged and respected by both the males and females in his life, or will he be ridiculed and shamed into denying and repressing it?
Will his grandfather call him a wimp because he cried as a 5-year old falling off his bike for the first time? Will his mother tell him he’s now the man of the family at 10, because she has left her marriage? How will the grand Mystery and the Unknown that all of us have to grapple with, be approached? Will a spiritual attitude be encouraged, a rigid dogmatic religious one or none at all?
Will pornography be a significant part of his sexual development? Will there be healthy sexual male role models? Will there be infidelity in the family? Will there be encouragement to explore relationship? Will there be shame? Will there be healthy exploring? Will there be no sex in his parents’ marriage? Will he have a positive self-image of himself physically, in his lovability, in his virility, in his success in the outer world?
In my nearly 30 years of practicing as a coach and counselor, I have seen an increasing amount of men exposed to readily available porn, but I have also seen several men wake up to its diversion from deep intimacy and leave it behind. I have seen countless men wake up to their own emotions and who have become capable of honest, transparent, emotionally intimate relationships and come to the point that they will settle for nothing less. I have seen a multitude of men wake up to the realization that sex and God are profoundly linked and put themselves in the trainings and relationships to nurture this understanding.
In all of this I have seen many women wake up to their power and see the difference between a little boy and a man emotionally. In order for her to do so, the adult woman in her will have had to blossom and hold her inner little girl near and dear, but not let her reign in her dealings with sexual and emotional intimacy.
So Tara, what do I expect? I expect that men have a heart, mind and soul, too. I recognize that emotional life experiences contribute to who that man is. I trust that as that man is respected in his vulnerability and emotionality and as he nurtures his relationship to the scary Unknown, he will refine himself into a man of depth and trustworthiness. I expect a greater pool of such men to influence little boys into evolving into the same and shining the light to little girls of what is possible. I expect that men will embrace their raw sexual power and marry it and infuse it with rich, mature emotionality and wise, refined spiritual depth and ooze a sexuality that is yummy, attractive as hell and satisfyingly safe!
For more information or to attend a Tantra Workshop go to www.cynthagonzalez.com
