From Sex to Superconsciousness
By Cyntha Gonzalez
The first time I heard David Deida’s expression of being taken to God by your partner through sexuality, I was intrigued. I understood how a stunning sunset or listening to an impressively synchronized orchestra could lead me to breathless awe and falling to my symbolic knees, as I bowed in devotion to something so grand, so magnificent and so perfect. I also had come to a more evolved understanding in what it means to trust God – whether that is in conflicts, death or loss in my life or the joys, successes and celebrations. I learned to see both of them as no accidents but part of a curriculum with a specific purpose to open me to greater seeing and greater loving. As I also learned from Twelve Step Programme to turn myself over to a Higher Power, I asked what would it look like to turn myself over to my lover, without being a codependent Pollyanna?
David Deida says that the first stage in an intimate relationship is all about Me – my agenda, my wants and my needs. Codependency, Passive Aggressiveness and overall Emotional Immaturity rule in this stage of relationship as my partner and I navigate the unavoidable childhood hurts and the unfinished business of past lovers or past self-betrayals begging to be healed. A solid sense of self, longs to establish itself.
The second stage of a relationship is characterized by diplomacy and equality; the We in the relationship is given priority. We strive to be mature and levelheaded. The polarity of the masculine/feminine energies is diluted as a result. The relationship is safe and relatively predictable. This is a necessary stage to strengthen firmly our individual, adult selves.
The third stage is my empowered and selfless devotion to You (the Universe/God or a Higher Power). I let go of control because there’s a solid me at home in myself to be able to do so. I have moved from ego construction to ego annihilation – for the greater purpose to serve Love.
The Indian mystic, Osho described three stages of sex – stage one is purely physical (you are in lust) whereas stage two is psychological (you also love your partner) and stage three is spiritual (you experience a divine connection far beyond the physical act). Osho says that in the sexual act, the ego fades away momentarily. One forgets if one is or is not and the feeling of ‘my-ness’ disappears briefly. The second thing that happens is that for a while timelessness emerges. These two important elements: egolessness and timelessness, allow the brief glimpse of the no-mind, or the superconsciousness state.
So it’s not just about the sexual thrill of being taken or claimed, but it’s being opened by the heart of integrity-bound You, that all I can do is surrender and be in that same awe that a colour-saturated sunrise sky or a virtuoso pianist takes me to. The difference though, is that I have a lot more to gain and to lose from the ego’s point of view in the face of a lover that opens me and takes me to God than I do by a sunrise.
The female’s version of being taken to God:
“In this moment, you so get me, you so see me, your penetrating gaze goes past my first stage sulk or second stage rational discussion and you persist in opening me to a place where I’m rendered speechless by your safe heart and unshakable presence that I can only surrender to. As I do, I let go to something that is greater than my ego, greater than my resistances, greater than my fears. I may test you in the moment. Can you really stay strong to what I truly need? Do you know better what I need than I do myself?
I long to be opened and taken. I have gone beyond my ego’s tricks of wanting first stage fusional mommy love and can discern the difference between getting re-mothered and surrendering myself to something bigger than me.
You simply keep loving me open. Your loving is an art that claims me open. When you do waver or flinch, your integrity to own it opens me to trust you even more, as counterintuitive as it may seem. I yearn and long to give my heart to you. When you do open me, I can only surrender to you. And in that very active surrendering, something bigger and more expansive takes over.
What if I complain that I don’t have this? Because like attracts like, I then am not ready to trust that much; I am not ready to open. I then must take responsibility for the healing I still have to do. When I am ready to surrender open that much and be claimed by the heartful, directional love of my partner, I will attract a partner who demands my total surrender, not out of his insecurity to be reassured, but by his persistent, unwavering Power of Absolute Presence. Am I ready to be seen that much? To be that present back? And if not, am I ready to heal that which prevents me from doing so? Is it that important to me?”
The male’s version of being taken to God:
“Your open, loving heart opens me to give to you. I want to penetrate that heart that doesn’t give in. I want to take you and claim you with all of me. As I give and give, fears of losing you, of being abandoned by you or of being betrayed rise up. And I find that place that keeps on loving you regardless. The part of you that shuts down beckons me to jump your fence and keep on loving you. The more you trust and open to me, the more I trust myself to give all of me. This giving, this taking you, calls on something that is bigger than me. I give in to it. I let go and I relish in it. Love takes me, which then takes you.
When I am on Purpose, which could be ravishing you or fixing my boat and you trust that purpose, when you feel into my purpose and you support my purpose moment to moment, I trust you. When you are in your full heart’s love, I trust you to know me better than I know myself. In those moments, I trust you to call me out if I am not on Purpose, even at your ego’s expense. If you don’t, than I will have to resort to trusting myself more than you. The Devotional Arc will be temporarily lost. When you take responsibility for your trying to make me be the substitute for the love you need to give yourself, my faith is restored in you and I am renewed in my full, unabashed giving to you.”
Sex promises us the deepest connection of intimate love. It promises rapture and “Oh my God!” Perhaps I am living this regularly and want to increase its full range. Perhaps our shared marital bed is inactive sexually. Perhaps it’s a time out from our relationship. When in a relationship, the art of staying open – in my body and heart, despite your ignoring me, your overworking, your aggression – is a mighty challenge, when all I want to do is recoil, protect or lash out. When I treat you as a shut down person, you stay so. When I hold strong and insist on feeling into your innocence and into your heart, I free you to open and flower. And in that moment, we are taken to God.
For upcoming tantra-inspired workshops, go to www.cynthagonzalez.com
