What is Tantric Sex? (Part 1)
By Cyntha Gonzalez
Imagine two scenarios. The first is hurriedly buying a pasta salad from the corner coffee shop next to your office, in a rectangular plastic container with a plastic fork and a little white square paper napkin. Imagine sitting on a sidewalk bench just in front of your workplace and scarfing it down quickly so as not be away from your desk any longer than 15 minutes.
Now imagine being at home, intending to make homemade pasta salad. Imagine putting on some music you really enjoy. Imagine boiling the pasta and while it’s cooking you chop red, yellow and orange capsicum peppers, pitting and slicing black Italian olives, grating fresh Parmesan cheese and finely cutting fresh basil leaves. Imagine making the dressing with olive oil, lemon juice, freshly ground black pepper and a pinch of pink sea salt. Imagine setting your dining table with silver cutlery, a silk, coloured napkin and lighting a small candle on the table. When the pasta cools, imagine tossing it with the cut vegetables, grated cheese and dressing. Imagine sitting down, saying a simple prayer of thanks for the ingredients, the many farmers, the transporters and sellers that have all brought it to this table. Then imagine picking up a small mouthful with your fork, placing it in your mouth, setting the fork back down and then chewing slowly and savoring every nuance of taste, texture and pleasure. Imagine slowing swallowing the relished mouthful. Imagine pausing and appreciating the aftertaste and satisfaction of eating it. Imagine then eating another mouthful in the same slow, mindful way. And so the rhythm continues until you have reached satiation. Satiation may come before finishing what is on your plate. You may serve yourself more. At the end of the meal, you let out a long exhale of contentment and feel gratitude for a beautiful meal. This entire process is Tantric Eating.
Tantra is mindful embracing of the all and being fully engaged in it. Imagine this latter scenario and substitute lovemaking for food. This is Tantric Sex.
I interviewed Kyle, a Tantric teacher in California about his perspective on Tantric Sex from a male point of view. In alignment with the two above scenarios of eating pasta salad, Kyle offered, “There are basically two paths to go down when men have sex. The first is adrenaline-based sex. It’s a rush to have an orgasm and a kind of self-serving intimacy for pleasure. There are many degrees of engagement depending on the individual. Adrenaline-based sex keeps the level of intimacy and length of time on a very surface level.
“Then there’s the second path – oxytocin-based sex. This is an intimate bonding interaction where the male isn’t looking for immediate climax or strictly physical pleasure. It’s an emotionally gratifying experience that is more about love and support. It includes giving, connection and bonding. Oxytocin is what our bodies release and when it’s released into our system, it gives us a deep personal bond. There’re many nonsexual oxytocin bonds. What we’re really looking for is deeper connection to not just ourselves or with our partner, but with the world around us – our friends and family – everything in life.”
Adrenaline-based sex is the desire for immediate gratification. Microwave sex. I also wonder if some of it is to hurry up and get it over with because of shame. Kyle continues, “Men cum too fast and woman can’t cum at all because we can’t even bring the subject up without either shame or turning the most beautiful thing we can share into a dirty or hidden sin. There is a consistent theme in our culture of shame, denial and down right rejection of sexuality on every level. From religion to school to television and the media that frames sexuality in any form as forbidden and taboo. There is an unconscious/conscious rejection of ourselves (or sexuality) across the board in society that’s totally alarming. And this very rejection is perceived as “doing the right thing” when dealing with it.”
I find that when I am in front of a student or client uncomfortable with the subject of sex, that they need the energetic permission that it is okay to admit to its existence and normality. I have found that the more I give this, the more authentic and real they are with me about its role in their own life. In fact, in many cases, I feel they are relieved to finally be accepted for something that is so integral to their being.
Kyle further commented, “Tantra is really about getting control and awareness of your own energy, as well as energy in general. I understand the deep connection achieved with deep love and connection through Tantra and different modes of sexual shamanism. This is a big thing out here in California. But you must learn to practice Tantra with yourself first before you share it. Clearing the residue of one’s past [childhood and past relationships] is the first step needed to begin practising. This is something that needs to be maintained throughout your life.”
This reminds me of any more refined pursuit – whether becoming a surgeon, a martial artist or sushi chef. There needs to be study, preparation and training within before operating on, sparring with or cooking for another. Your operating theatre, dojo or kitchen must be clean. Your intention must be clear. Your heart must be in the right place. Only then are you ready to engage with another.
One way for men to better savor the sexual experience and enter a more mindful, expanded mindset is to practice what is now termed as “Ejaculatory Choice,” which is mastering the ability to orgasm with or without ejaculation. Part Two will delve into this ancient art and practice and its interface with female sexuality.
For more information on tantric workshops go to www.cynthagonzalez.com
